i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
