turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
