M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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