i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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