theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
