My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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