Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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