Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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