Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
