What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
