I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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