I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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