I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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