My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How does one acquire holy water?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
