omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
