Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
