I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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