great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
How external is "for external use only"?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
