I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
