I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
