Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
