Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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