she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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