I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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