Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
