How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
