I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Found the puke drawer
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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