dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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