yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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