checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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