DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
