He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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