dude i'm inner monologue high
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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