Nicole vs. Life
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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