Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
