i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I enjoy the company of your penis
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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