She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
