I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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