Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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