I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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