I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
