not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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