so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
