Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
