Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
