i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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