What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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