You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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