i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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