When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
