she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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