Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
