I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
